HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's
work boots, used, size 14-16.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:

I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up
from the slaughterhouse. Back in an hour. Don't mess
with the pit bulls-- don't know what got into them,
but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed
him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better
wait out here on the porch.

'Cooter'

I bet that would work very well here.

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IBI - UBU